STV Cabins: Episode #172 - Steve the Butcher

Excuse the blood on my hands. Butchers, am I right? Sorry, it’s a joke of the trade.

No, no, it’s still a good time. Come on in. I’m Steve, ecstatic to meet you.

As you can see, my cabin is super unique. Another joke! You like jokes, right?

Yeah, with all the cabins on the ship being identical, it must be challenging to keep your broadcast segment interesting? I mean, how do you showcase everyone and their lives as special if… sorry. I'm a big fan, though! Favourite episode has to be Snooty Judy on level three. Her one looks like some tropical paradise somehow.

So, do I just… sit down?

What? Oh, those? Yeah, I like dreamcatchers. They’re useless, but hey, you’ve got to try something when you’re plagued with relentless nightmares! Apparently, they catch the bad dreams and let the good ones in. Or at least Carl says that, the prick on level two that sells them. He’s a liar, though. Stole my girlfriend in high school.

Hmm? Did I hear about the Dreamcatcher Butcher? Is that my new nickname? Oh, someone’s been murdering Carl’s customers? Well, you better not stay late tonight, I’m probably next. That’s a joke. Well, I hope it is.

Is this good lighting?

So, yes, I’m the butcher on the SS Tortoise. I know what you’re thinking: what does a starship need a butcher for? There’s no livestock! Ha, well, my mother said the same thing, may she rest in peace, and she was wrong! It’s my job to —

You’re in luck! There’s the buzzer. Do you want to come down to the planet we’re orbiting? You’ll see me at work. It’s pretty gnarly!

*

Okay, stay close and… oh, your helmet’s fogged up. No, press that instead. There you go. So, as you can see all around us, this planet looks lovely, just like Judy’s apartment, with fancy green trees, green skies, green water. But as the captain and his team head that way to make contact with the resident sentients, it’s my job to kill some animals and sneak them back up to the ship. Shh! Our secret!

Are we eating aliens? What did you think you were eating? We’ve been travelling for three years. You didn’t ask?

Wait. I think I heard —

Yep, get down. There! Bugger me! He’s a beauty. Take a look!

The camera’s not turning on? That’s okay, this microphone is still on. How about I describe the creatures and you can use it in post with some happy pictures or something? Okay, it’s a big green beast, the size of a baby elephant, wide face with a crocodile-like mouth. Three bulging eyes. It has four arms, five legs and… no, four legs, that fifth one was… far out, I found the alien version of Carl, swinging that thing around! Keep your girlfriends locked up, everyone, I found Carl’s home planet!

So, I’m going to take this machete, sneak up on the nearest one, then slice its throat. Then hopefully, we’ll watch it bleed out, all without being seen. Let’s hope it goes better than last time.

Success rate? Absolutely shocking, honestly. I’m not great at this. In fact, I used to be a teacher until we left home, but the SS Tortoise doesn’t believe in education so here we are! Murdering unaware creatures that are often toxic to our stomachs, all to stay relevant. I’m sure you can’t relate.

Is the camera working yet?

Woah! What did you just do?

Scare them off?! Why?!

Save them? How is this saving them? You just pissed it off!

Shit!

It’s coming! Run. I said run! Move!

Keep going! I’ll stay behind and fight it off. Argh! Not my bloody leg again! No! Just leave me!

*

Oh! Hello. I didn’t expect to see you again.

You didn’t expect to see me again? Yeah, that’s fair. Nah, I managed to get back, just before we jumped through hyperspace. Almost left behind, collateral damage. Anyway, this meat needs slicing up. Don’t get too close. It’s hard to get the blood out once it sets in.

Yeah, two days out there. It’s alright, though. The sickbay stitched me up.

Sorry, I actually can’t talk right now. I’ve got hundreds of people getting cranky without their meat the past few days, and —

Don’t touch that! Look, I really wanted this to be a fun thing but it’s become stressful and I think you should —

Oi! I’m serious! Don’t touch that button!

I SAID DON’T TOUCH IT!

Shit.

Who are those people? Nobody. At least not anymore.

They’re nobody! Did I stutter? Close that door and forget what you saw.

The who? The Dreamcatcher Butcher? No. I don’t know. Maybe?

Yeah, the front door won’t open, I'm afraid. The door’s locked.

No. I told you to leave and you didn’t. Now we’re going to have a nice calm talk. Will you sit down, please?

I’m not asking. Sit!

Is your camera off? No, off!

Okay, you want the story? We’re out of options. Everyone expects to still be fed, to still get their meat, without any change or sacrifice. They stuck us in space with no animals and no plan. They expected me – a person with zero combat training – to face unknown species and somehow feed you all with no knowledge of their bizarre anatomy, all whilst the captain plays politics and keeps everyone happy. And can we eat it? Of course not! I tried. Remember the Hannava Virus that killed fifty people? That was from the ragu that week, made with some nasty lizard from an acid planet. The mutation of the entire engineering team? Again, guilty! So, have I been taking Carl’s customers, putting him out of business, whilst filling everyone’s stomachs? You’re damn right I have. I did my job! It’s win-win!

Sorry. Erase that last part.

No, I know what you said but the light was on.

Please don’t lie.

You know, I saw you buying a dreamcatcher the other day. How’s your sleep? Had any nightmares recently?

Don’t worry. I caught them.