The Mission Reports Of Lieutenant Fluffy

Mission Report #1092

I’m starting to think my human isn’t particularly bright, which I find ironic considering the constant beam of light emitting from her roof.

She attempted to engage in another ritualistic romantic encounter this evening. I am happy to report I was successful in leaving muddy paw prints all over her dress, spilling orange juice in her handbag, and misplacing her keys. She was ready to leave by twenty hundred hours and cancelled.

Side note. I am yet to locate the bird that mocks me from atop our home. It is a clever foe.

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Mission Report #1104

The postman attempted to flirt with my human this morning. I clawed his leg. He cried. He will not be returning. I will continue this approach until they send an operative with less charisma.

Still no sight of the bird but how it’s chirps drive me mad.

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Mission Report #1168

I am officially a genius.

Whilst out looking for something long and sharp that I may poke atop our home until I impale the bird, I found a misplaced human. She was wet, broken, and highly unattractive as a potential romantic partner due to the vast amount of blood being on the outside rather than inside.

I fetched my human.

My human will spend pointless weeks invested in this faulty human. I have earnt myself a vacation with this brilliant endeavour.

Bird is still not impaled. Will use my vacation to pursue further.

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Mission Report #1169

Broken human is still here. It appears she is active in the military like myself. The soldier has acquired the sofa as her bed whilst my human foolishly dotes on her.

I do not think she will last. My vacation may be short.

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Mission Report #1170

The soldier is making a recovery.

My human stitched up her wounds and applied sufficient medical intervention. This surprises me considering her frequency in forgetting why she walked into a room.

Tonight, I saw them laughing together. Will monitor.

Bird suspiciously quiet.

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Mission Report #1171

I have made a miscalculation. The soldier and my human are enjoying one another. They spoke all night.

I also fear for my safety. I distinctly recall overhearing the soldier whisper to my human that she likes the taste of pussies, and whilst I am certain I would be tasty, I do not wish to become sustenance.

I must end this now.

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Mission Report #1172

I found the soldier in bed with my human. They were engaging in romantic interactions. 

It has been several years since my last failure.

What’s worse, the bird has had offspring. More noise, more mockery.

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Mission Report #1173

I have used every manoeuvre. Ruining garments and furniture, urinating in food, clawing fragile limbs, singing all night long. Nothing is working.

Worse, the soldier has convinced my human to leave me outside.

Out of necessity, I have befriended the bird. We are plotting our assault. The soldier may have won this battle but I will indeed win this war.